LAWN MOWING, BIRTH TUB, VULTURES AND BLACK WIDOWS

I'm never mowing the lawn again, but let me begin with water births. Our last four kids were born at home, underwater. And for the last two, we bought a Rubbermaid stock tank for the birth tub, which has been upside-down in our front yard for years now. For some reason, black widows like living in it. If ever I want a black widow, I could go out and tip the birth tub onto its side and catch one. Finally I got to where I decided it's probably not a good idea to have black widows in our yard, so one day, armed with rubber bands, I went out and flipped the birth tub upright and shot the widows dead.

Last Tuesday we had our septic tank pumped out, and since the birth tub had been upside-down on top of it, I flipped the tub over, killed another black widow that had spun a big web inside of it, and dragged the tub a few feet away so the man could get to the septic tank. Then it rained the next couple days and the rain water filled the bottom of the birth tub. So I tipped it onto its side to dump out most of the water, but not all. So it was still on its side with some raunchy water in it today when I mowed the front lawn.

I'm 71, and mowing the lawn is taking more and more of a toll on me. By the time I was done pushing the mower, I was feeling pretty tired, and now and then would hang onto the mower to keep my balance. I noticed shadows moving around the lawn, and finally looked up to see several black vultures circling overhead! Not encouraging.

Finally I was done (with that section; our yard has three), and was pushing the mower up the hill to put it away for the time being. I stopped when passing the birth tub, with the intention of once again tipping it upside-down over the septic tank, and I don't even know how it happened. I fell. And like an old man, I couldn't catch myself, and my face went right into the tub and into the brown water, and banged against the hard plastic. It was like getting punched in the nose. My glasses came off and were lying in the water, bent. My lip began to swell, but fortunately my mustache hides it. My first thought was for my glasses, but my second thought was black widows! I had fallen right through the spider web and was now sniffing in and spitting out water full of who-knows-what, along with old venom from smashed black widows.

I was sore and drenched and stumbled to a lawn chair to sit a while. No more lawn mowing for me. Heck, vultures circle me!






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