HUMOR

 

"I happened to be in a different neighborhood, so I went out of my way to stop by."

      ~  Richard Diamond

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago:

"Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

    ~ A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

    ~ William James

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

    ~ Dave Barry

668:  The neighbor of the Beast.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

    ~ Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

    ~ F.P. Jones

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

    ~ George Carlin

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease."

Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

    ~ Johnny Carson

Don't worry about temptation. As you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

    ~ Old Farmer's Almanac

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.

     ~ Salvador Dali

Free speech means the right to shout 'theatre' in a crowded fire.

     ~Abbie Hoffman

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

     ~ Hunter S. Thompson

"Time's fun when you're having flies."

    ~ Kermit the Frog

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"  Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

    ~ Charlie Brown

Calvin:  People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Hobbes:  Isn't the zipper on your pants supposed to be in the front?

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa. 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick. 

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table. 

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste. 

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef. 

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

They all have phones. 

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise. 

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers. 

I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said "40."

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.

Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen."

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line." The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.

But people in Abu Dhabi do!

I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

What's ET short for?

He's only got little legs.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

From "Hollywood Squares":

Q.  Do female frogs croak?

A.  Paul Lynde:  If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q.  If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A.  Charley Weaver:  Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q.  True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A.  George Gobel:  Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.  You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A.  Don Knotts:  That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q.  According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.  Rose Marie:  No; wait until morning.

Q.  Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A.  Charley Weaver:  My sense of decency.

Q.  In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?

A.  Vincent Price:  No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q.  What are "Do it," "I can help," and "I can't get enough"?

A.  George Gobel:  I don't know , but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.  As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A.  Rose Marie:  You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q.  Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A.  Paul Lynde:  Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.  Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.  Charley Weaver:  Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q.  In bowling, what's the perfect score?

A.  Rose Marie:  Ralph, the pin boy.

Q.  During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A.  Rose Marie:  Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q.  Can boys join the Campfire Girls?

A.  Marty Allen:  Only after lights out.

Q.  When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A.  Paul Lynde:  Make him bark.

Q.  If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? 

A.  Paul Lynde:  Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q.  According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A.  Charley Weaver:  It got me out of the army.

Q.  Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A.  George Gobel:  Get it in his mouth.

Q.  Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A.  Paul Lynde:  Who told you about my elephant?

Q.  When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.  Charley Weaver:  I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q.  Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A.  Charley Weaver:  His feet.

Q.  According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A.  Paul Lynde:  Point and laugh.

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For the complete contents of the Butter Rum Cartoon, click HERE.