LETTER TO AN OBSCENE NEIGHBOR

 

       Once upon a time, a "neighbor" on our dirt road figured that we were driving fast enough by his apartment to warrant his freaking out.  As my wife and daughters got out of the car, he came roaring up to our house, screaming obscenities, then peeled out and drove away.  I then wrote him this letter and that evening put it in his mailbox.  

 

 191 Gooseberry Ct.
Branson MO 65616
August 22, 2018

To the unknown neighbor:
 

       I thought of coming over to speak with you (as a matter of fact, I did walk over, while my daughter chased after me saying she didn't want me to do a "Gran Torino") but since you have already shown yourself to be incapable of or unwilling to carry on a conversation, I decided to write this letter instead, in hopes that you'll actually read it.  My wife and daughters suggested that we report you to the sheriff (being new on Gooseberry, you may not know that we're not in Branson city limits and so are under the jurisdiction of the County), but for some reason I held off for now, but am keeping a copy of this letter for the sheriff's office in case this "relationship" escalates.

       When I questioned the illegality of what you did yesterday, my wife and daughters said that you came over and shouted obscenities at them outside our home, making them feel endangered, and yes, that is illegal.  Most men would not stand by when someone shouted, "Fuck you, bitch!" at his wife.  On the day we were celebrating our daughter's birthday, it did not go well. But following the advice of our other daughter, I am holding off doing a "Gran Torino" at this point, and will only say that I don't like you.

       As a matter of fact, there is nothing you did that would make us want to satisfy you regarding how we drive down our road.  You hadn't had your pubic hair for long (if at all) when we moved onto Gooseberry.  For many years we were the last house on this road (two of our now grown daughters were born in this house), but then another house was built further on, at the foot of the hill, and is now a safe house for women, and so we've had to deal with traffic passing by us for some time now.  Never have we complained about them, nor have I ever dreamt of running down to their house and shouting out, "Fuck you, bitch!"  

       Perhaps you were under the influence of something when you behaved this way.  If, when you feel better, you want to come over and actually talk with us in a non-threatening manner, you would be welcome.  I would expect an apology, though, if you want us to consider your desires.  As it stands, you have made my family feel endangered and are not at all a welcomed neighbor on our county road with no posted speed limit.  While we do not exceed the legal speed limit on Gooseberry Court, you have over-stepped your bounds in scaring my wife and daughters by shouting obscenities at them while they were here in our own yard.  And afterwards you peeled out and drove away like an angry teenager, in a manner much worse than any of us have driven.

       If any further attacks or threats are made, we will report you to the Taney County Sheriff's Department, accompanied by a copy of this letter.

      On the other hand, if you want to discuss anything with us cordially and without threats, vulgarity or speed, feel free to come over and meet your neighbors.

Sincerely,

Dale Lund

 

____ 

 

We never saw him again.  He apparently didn't stay in the apartment long.