ANSWERS TO THE TEDIOUS QUIZ

  

1.  I heard a porcupine cry.     True

2.  I was a taxi driver for the Amish.     True

3.  I kept a live boa constrictor in my army locker.     True

4.  I wrote the first book on pet tarantula care.     True

5.  A gopher once bit my shoe.     True

6.  I played with a gorilla.     True

7.  When I hated the Catholic Church, I confessed crying to a priest in the confessional.     True

8.  A sparrow came to me for help.     True

9.  My favorite food is butternut squash.     False, but I do like it.

10.  I scared my boss’s secretary so badly that she had to go home.  True

11.  We accidentally left our 3-year-old daughter in another state.     True

12.  I am the great, great, great, great, great, great grandson of Jens Andersen Skallebutek.     True

13.  A cicada kept me from getting beat up.     True

14.  A fossil I dug up is now displayed in a natural history museum.     False

15.  I’ve shaved a woman’s head.     False

16.  I worked full-time on a book for 2 ½ years, and it doesn’t give my name in it.    True

17.  I can stick a knife into a tree at twenty feet.     False without luck.

18.  I went into Mexico illegally.     False, only legally.

19.  Tom Smothers was a member of the American Tarantula Society.     False

20.  I once practiced tasseology (reading coffee grounds).     False, but my paternal grandmother did.

21.  My daughter played Jesus in a Branson show.     True

22.  I lived with a prostitute for four months.     True

23.  I showed a fascinated hyena what was in my zipper bag.     True

24.  In front of many witnesses, I fired a gun at an innocent man and got away with it.     True

25.  I watched Donald Sutherland get beat up right in front of me.     True

26.  I’ve spent a weekend in jail.     False

27.  I went trick-or-treating in my twenties.     False

28.  My wife won first prize in a Halloween costume party when she was naked.     True

29.  I lived in a station wagon with two other guys, a dog, and a skunk.     True

30.  I was a member of the Huckleberry Hound Fan Club.     False - several fan clubs, but not that one.

31.  I once went to a theater to watch a movie about myself.     True

32.  Twenty sea lions followed me across a bay.     True

33.  People applauded my preshow at a Mahavishnu Orchestra concert.     True

34.  The first time my future wife came into my apartment, I hit her on the head as hard as I could.     True

35.  With my bare hands, I stopped two big dogs from fighting.     True

36.  Hank Ketcham drew a picture of Dennis the Menace just for me.     True

37.  I ran away on my first day at school.     True

38.  I had a shoot-out with a judge in city hall.     True

39.  I sneaked into a nudist camp and passed myself off as a member for seven hours.     True

40.  I can balance a penny on the tip of a wire hanger, using no glue or stickem of any kind, and twirl the hanger around several times and stop it, and the penny will still be there.     True

41.  A group of men celebrated my buying a quilt.     True

42.  My wife and 1-year-old son and I hitchhiked over 4000 miles.     True

43.  A duck followed me up the aisle in a church.     True

44.  We have 3,704 books in a room in our house.     True, the number keeps growing, but at this writing it's 3,704.

45.  I once spoke on “Fear” in church, as a tarantula crawled up my arm.     True

46.  I once faked a UFO so well that Search & Rescue went up the mountain to try to find survivors of a hot-air balloon crash.     True

47.  I accompanied a man trying to find a prostitute in Utah.     True

48.  When a car turned in front of me on my motorcycle, I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t see the gore, and I survived.     True

49.  For the first year of our marriage, we lived in an 8-by-12-foot cabin without utilities.     True

50.  I was introduced to Charles Addams in a barn.     True

51.  When our car’s oil pump broke in Mississippi, 500 miles away from home, it was fixed in Walmart’s parking lot by a homeless man who happened by.  He worked under our car for ten hours and fixed it.  We drove home okay.     True

52.  A crow ran to me for help.     True

53.  I walked all the way up the Washington Monument to save a quarter.     False, it was a dime.

54.  My family and I flipped upside-down in a semi-truck, and walked away from it.     True

55.  While on LSD, I once talked with Jane Fonda.     True

56.  There’s a picture of tits in this blog.     True

57.  An American girl who was in Korea the same time I was, later wrote a book on the Sasquatch and bought me an archery bow.  We never saw each other in person.     True

58.  I read a poem on stage in a coffee house.     False

59.  With vultures circling overhead, I passed out after mowing the lawn and fell into a pool of black widows.     True

60.  A tarantula drooled venom into my hand at a Cub Scout meeting.     True.  It was in a gymnasium with no microphone, so I had to almost shout to be heard by the parents in the bleachers with the scouts gathered on the floor around me.  With the noise and the shaking (from my fear of public speaking) the pet in my hand was pretty agitated.  A boy near me interrupted my speech and asked, "Do they spit?"  I whispered, "No, they don't spit."  A few moments later, he asked, "Are you sure they don't spit?"  I repeated my answer, and he said, "Well, she's spitting."  When I tipped my hand to look, venom ran off onto my papers on the podium!  The tarantula was nice enough just to drool venom instead of biting me.  And afterwards several scouts held her.  Nice spider.

61.  I once met a girl by eating dog treats.     True

62.  A reporter told my wife, “You’re the bravest woman in the whole wide world.”     True.  When we wanted to pick up our tarantula to show Mindy, the spider (different than the one in answer 60 above) seemed edgy and I backed off.  So my wife Micki went to pick her up, and did.  Mindy had backed clear across the room when she excitedly complimented Micki.

63.  I slept on a boxcar in Oklahoma.     False, it was Colorado.

64.  My wife posed nude for a painting while she was pregnant.     True

65.  I once left a boy without shoes high on a mountain.     True

66.  A large, irritable, wild racoon once walked up my body.     True

67.  I hitchhiked around the U.S., about 6000 miles, when I was 18, leaving with only $30.     True.  After the newspaper article, I hitchhiked halfway through Georgia, up to D.C. and Pennsylvania, then back to Sultan, Washington.

68.  Not very far, but I rode a Brahman bull.     False, but one chased me once.

69.  I’ve had my life saved at least seven times.     True

70.  My wife made waffles for me during labor, then gave birth in the dining room.     True

71.  I hopped a freight, stole a boat, and trespassed on a marijuana farm, all in the same weekend trip.     True

72.  I was interrogated for having a gun at an airport, and made my plane anyway.     True

73.  A water moccasin rolled over my foot.     True

74.  I received mail, including packages, from almost every country in the world.     True.  Sadly, because of the internet, you can't have such an adventure anymore.

75.  I spent a week in a funeral home when I was eight.     True

76.  On our first anniversary, my wife flew in a small plane for the first time.  On our second anniversary she jumped out of one.     True

77.  A wild pack dog gave birth on my favorite recliner.     True

78.  I’ve collected every issue of “Famous Monsters of Filmland” magazine.     False, but I do have every issue of "QUICK News Weekly" magazine.

79.  Holding a bunch of my comic books I almost got shot.     True

80.  I once had an all-expense-paid trip to Washington D.C. for playing music in my mail truck.     True

81.  Before marrying, my wife and I knew each other for only two months, our engagement was ten days, and we’ve been married over fifty-one years.     True

82.  I was in Ripley’s Believe-It-or-Not.     True

83.  When our youngest daughter was a baby, she was employed and registered with Social Security.  We even went to her staff party.     True

84.  Real Indians taught me how to make a tepee.     True

85.  I was abducted on my 70th birthday and driven out of state.   True

86.  A pack of wild dogs threatened me in the middle of a city.     True.  It was creepy.  Every day I'd ride my bicycle Gideon from my apartment to the Wichita Drafting College, passing beneath a freeway overpass where there's a large grassy area.  One day there were over a dozen large dogs lying in the grass, with one watching.  I stopped my bike, not wanting to get chased, and wondered what reaction I'd get if I approached the dogs.  Leaving my bike, I put one step on the grass, and the watching dog growled.  Suddenly all heads raised, and all growled.  They did let me leave without killing me.

87.  I handed my knife to a man, thinking he would kill me with it.     True

88.  I founded the American Tarantula Society.     True

89.  On our eighth anniversary, my wife and I were in a gang fight.     True

90.  I was robbed while hitchhiking.     False

91.  I once placed a live tarantula on the shoulder of a former Miss Washington Universe, who had never seen one before.     True

92.  My most popular YouTube video is “Dale Sneaks into a Nudist Camp.”     True

93.  When I was a little kid, I saved a woman’s life.     True

94.  I deserted the Army.     True

95.  I won a week’s vacation to a horse ranch.     True

96.  This blog’s most popular post is “How to Get Ants Out of Your Mailbox.”     True

97.  I had a pet porcupine for a week.     False

98.  A girl I didn’t know chewed me out for proposing to her.     True

99.  A priest read my poem, “Frogs Without Legs,” from the pulpit.     True

100.  I kept a gopher as a pet for over a year.     False, it was a desert chipmunk.

101.  The worst thing my dad ever said to me was, “Jiminy Cricket, that kid!”     True

102.  In appreciation I once let a scorpion go.     True

103.  I once made the priest burst out laughing in the confessional.     True

104.  I once ran for congressman.     False

105.  I once had a fist fight with a priest.     False

106.  All three of our daughters can honestly say, “I was born in the kitchen.”     True

107.  I beat a soldier in a fight with my eyes closed.     True

108.  I went to a federal prison to speak about tarantulas.     True

109.  Andy Williams once paid for my corn chips.     False, but he did wave at me from his golf cart here in Branson.

110.  I wrote a book on insects as pets.     False, it was All About Tarantulas.

111.  This blog is the result of a poem that made no sense.     True

112.  I stabbed a pencil into a bully’s arm.     True

113.  I put the Old Testament into an 850-word vocabulary.     True

114.  There are 85 more true or false questions in this quiz.     False

 

If anyone gets all these right, feel free to email me at  ButterRumCartoon@gmail.com